I’m Leaning Out

This is a pretty standard evening for me these days. I’m leaning out, instead of leaning in. I can’t tell if it’s because I am mentally drained from life, a midlife crisis, or just getting older. However, I’ve noticed my interests have shifted organically to elderly activities I used to poke fun of: puzzles, needlepoint, cards and bird feeders…

Why does this happen? I figured I’d share this, as opposed to some amazing vacation photo, or a girls’ night out, because really this is me having girls’ night in, just me and the dogs. The kids are upstairs, but they’re in their rooms, with little use for me, other than to “bring me a Diet Coke, please.” I suppose this is rather nice, and a privilege, really, to just do a puzzle and guzzle.

I initially wondered if maybe I was depressed, that I now enjoy staying in. I’m a full extrovert, an ENTJ? I don’t even remember that acronym, which is amongst the many things I forget, including where I put my purse and keys (thank God for air tags). But I think it’s not depression; in fact, I think it’s probably just natural aging.

I’m tired.

From what, you ask? Well, just all of what I’ve dealt with over my years. By midway, we’ve worked full-time jobs forever, been married/divorced/single/confused, raised children, watched our parents grow old (or, worse yet, pass away), amongst a plethora of other life stepping stones. I don’t want to hear about anyone else getting sick; the news scares me; I don’t want to put myself out there in fear of getting hurt.

I’ve been hurt.

In leaning out, I’ve come to enjoy these little tasks, like puzzles and needlepoint, which make me feel grounded, secure and calm. I’m at peace with the distraction. It’s a distraction from the noise.

So it’s no longer puzzling why I like puzzles.

What do you enjoy?