How to Ruin a First Date in 3, 2, 1…

Her: When is a good time to see each other again?
Him: Never.

I was just listening to a podcast where they were talking about a terrible first date. Aside from the old religion, politics, and sex, there are several things that you shouldn’t mention and should keep under wraps on the first date:

  1. Wanting Kids/Eggs Rotting/Egg Freezing: This is a dead no. No matter if you want to be Octomom or Angelia Jolie and adopt a bunch of kids, pretend you are a LONG ways away motherhood. Being a sperm chaser is a surefire way to chase your man away. Let is happen naturally. Pull the goalie if you must…JOKES! Yeah, don’t do that either. Save the sperm in the condom and put it in the freezer just in case…
  2. Your Intentions Board: Please do not discuss manifesting your perfect mate and explaining how you have a long list of attributes that he/she must meet. This just makes you look seriously high-maintenance, delusional, and like you may leave inspirational post-it notes all over his mirror in the morning. Desperation is a stinky cologne, says my husband (wait, he didn’t say that to me, obvi??) Also, we all have detriments, and how would you feel if your date was subtly checking off figurative boxes in their head as you spoke? It’s not a job interview; it’s a relationship.

  3. Disney. Do not mention any affection for Disney, that your house is littered with collectibles, or that you dream of an engagement at Disney. Definitely do not reveal that you are a furry and want to have sex dressed in a Minnie Mouse costume. A (public) love of Disney past the age of 10 is, well…just alarming. If you must hide Elsa dolls in your closet, do so. Just keep them there.
“I can’t wait to meet your family!”

4 thoughts on “How to Ruin a First Date in 3, 2, 1…

  1. When someone looks like you, it doesn’t matter what they do.

    Liked by 1 person

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