Ho Ho, Harumph! I have a bone to pick. Well, I have a number of bones to pick this bustling holiday season, and I’m about to delve in:
Message to boutiques and small retailers: please get a size above 6. If that is the largest size you have, then you are a FASHION BULLY! I AM TRIIIIIIIIIGGGGERED! No, kidding. But, seriously, why are you making me feel so terrible when I come into your store, trying to shop local, and I am met with apologetic eyes that the only sizes are 2, 4, and 6?! “We might have an 8— in the basement?” It doesn’t feel good to know that the only sizes you fit into are in a basement with the spiders and the little man in the movie Parasite flickering the lights. In the end, I am forced to go to a large retailer or mom store for my festive gear where I am a neutered soccer mom with a sewn up vajay.
Secret Santa’s, Yankee Swaps, Ya done. I mean, I’m all for a little office cheer and get-togethers, but this is getting ‘SPENSIVE. My daughter has three Secret Santa’s, and each are $25. So, yeah, it adds up! If you get one Lulu Lemon gift card for 25 bucks, you can maybe afford like one sock. And, if you get $20 at Starbucks, it’s about 2.5 Pink Drinks and 1 Caramel Frappuccino. I think I might actually start measuring money in Starbucks orders, since that’s where I spend the majority of it (oh, and Sephora–see below). For example, if someone asks how much an entree costs, we could reply, “It’s a Venti Mango Dragonfruit Lemonade, a Bacon Smoked Gouda Sandwich and a Trenta Pink Drink.” That would mean the entree is $14.95. And what is with that new size, Trenta? Shut it.
Sephora, you’re killing parents slowly. The skincare regimen of these young middle schoolers is next level out of control. Like, guuuuurl, you don’t need fine line fixers and dew drops when you came out of the womb ten years ago. You legit bathed your face in amniotic fluid in the recent past, so needing to hydrate it so vigorously with bougie products from Drunk Elephant is EXTRA and superfluous. If you must have it, then I will come into your room when you’re at school and drain it for myself. Don’t make me be that person.
Strawberries. Why is it that when you buy a new pack of strawberries, at least 1/3 are soft and rotten, and the rest wilt and shrivel in one day? Like, just don’t sell them if they are so unseasonal or fragile to sustain one day in the fridge! I’m not sure why I never learn this lesson, but every week, I buy a pack of rotten strawbs.
Well that will do it for today, but if you think of anything to “harumph” at this holiday season, please share in the comments!